Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize