Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
