I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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