I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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