My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Randomize
