The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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