he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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