somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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