ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
is wine microwaveable?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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