I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize