I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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