just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
