I think my vagina is haunted
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
