i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
