Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
