I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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