Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
