U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
