I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
