why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
