and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
