I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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