my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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