I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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