I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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