I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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