Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
COCAINE IS GR8
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
