Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
