she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
