tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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