The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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