I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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