im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
