your thong is hanging out like whoa
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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