vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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