Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
