i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
