I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
