Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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