WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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