I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
