Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize