I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
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