This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
