we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize