Your face is a jimmy john
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
