I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
