I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish I only lived at night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
