I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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