Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize