I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
