I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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