I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I currently don't understand fingers.
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