please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
