I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
