My underwear smells like fireworks.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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